Forget the Scale! Your Mind is the Real Obstacle
Imagine you’re driving a car with the emergency brake on.
You’re pressing the gas, wondering why the car isn’t moving the way it should. The engine revs, the tires strain, maybe you even burn a little rubber, but you’re not going far.
You’re frustrated.
You’re trying.
You’re doing what you’re supposed to do.
But the brake is still on.
This is how many of us approach change. We set goals, make plans, summon motivation, and push forward with sheer will. But something resists.
We slip back into familiar behaviors.
We self-criticize.
We label ourselves as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” or “undisciplined.”
All the while, the real issue goes unseen: we’re trying to change while internal brakes—psychological ones—are still engaged.
To understand how to change, we first need to understand why we don’t.
1. The Role of Emotional Resistance
Change isn’t just about doing something different.
It’s about feeling something different.
That’s the part we tend to avoid.
Much of our resistance to change stems from emotional discomfort. Even if a behavior is unhealthy or unhelpful, it often provides some form of emotional regulation, distraction, numbness, familiarity, or even a sense of control. Letting go of that behavior, then, means letting go of a coping strategy.
Take emotional eating, for example. The goal might be to “stop snacking late at night,” but the deeper question is:
- what role is that snacking playing in your life?
- Comfort? Soothing? Rebellion?
- Relief from the pressures of a perfectionistic day?
When we try to change without understanding what a behavior is doing for us, we create an internal tug-of-war. The part of us that wants growth clashes with the part of us that seeks protection.
And in that fight, protection almost always wins.
2. Internalized Beliefs from Diet Culture and Beyond
Many of our “shoulds” come from somewhere outside ourselves.
Diet culture, for instance, teaches us to value thinness over health, control over curiosity, and shame over compassion.
It sets us up to believe that our worth is measured by our willpower.
That if we fail to follow a plan, it’s a reflection of personal inadequacy.
This belief system becomes internalized. We begin to see our struggles not as symptoms of deeper needs, but as character flaws.
We moralize food choices.
We fear failure.
We aim for perfection, not sustainability.
But real change doesn’t come from shame.
It comes from understanding.
When we can step back and question the source of our internal rules, we begin to rewrite them.
We begin to ask:
- Who told me I had to do it this way?
- What do I actually want my relationship with food, movement, or self-care to feel like?
- What would it be like to choose from self-respect, not self-punishment?
Until we examine the beliefs behind our behaviors, we keep trying to fix the surface while the roots stay untouched.
3. Why Willpower Alone Fails Us
Willpower is often treated like a moral currency.
Something we either have enough of or we don’t.
But psychologically, willpower is a limited resource.
It’s easily depleted by stress, fatigue, and emotional overwhelm.
What really drives lasting change isn’t brute force.
It’s connection: to our values, our needs, our emotions, and our self-awareness.
Behavioral patterns don’t just appear, they’re built over time through reinforcement and repetition. If we want new patterns to stick, we need to understand the emotional blueprint beneath the old ones.
That means exploring:
- The environments that trigger our behaviors
- The thoughts and emotions that precede them
- The needs that the behaviors are trying to meet
Instead of asking “How do I make myself stop?”
Try asking, “What is this behavior trying to protect me from?” or “What would I need in order to not need this behavior?”
This is how we shift from control to collaboration with ourselves.
4. Behaviors as Messages, Not Failures
When we approach our habits with curiosity instead of judgment, everything changes.
We start to see that the patterns we repeat.
Whether it’s procrastinating, emotional eating, people-pleasing, or numbing out—are not personal failures.
They are messages.
Symptoms. Adaptations.
They formed for a reason, and they’re trying to tell us something.
For example:
• Procrastination might signal fear of failure or overwhelm.
• Perfectionism might be a strategy to feel safe or worthy.
• Overeating might be an attempt to fill emotional emptiness or soothe disconnection.
Rather than trying to suppress these behaviors, what if we learned to listen to them?
Change begins when we validate the need behind the behavior, and then find a healthier, more sustainable way to meet that need.
5. So… What Actually Helps Us Change?
Here are a few principles rooted in psychology that support real, lasting change:
a. Self-Compassion
Shame doesn’t motivate, it paralyzes.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, creates the safety necessary for change.
It says: You’re not broken. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been taught and what you’ve survived.
b. Awareness > Judgment
Before we can change a pattern, we have to see it clearly.
This means practicing gentle observation: noticing your triggers, your inner dialogue, your bodily sensations, without rushing to fix or fight them.
c. Small, Sustainable Shifts
Forget the overhaul.
Tiny, consistent steps that align with your values create the most meaningful change.
Think less “transformation” and more “evolution.”
d. Values-Based Action
Ask yourself: What kind of person do I want to be?
Then take small actions that reflect that identity, even when motivation is low. This connects change to purpose, not pressure.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever felt stuck, frustrated, or like you just “can’t get it together,” you’re not alone, and you’re not failing.
You’re likely trying to change without understanding the forces beneath the surface. And those forces matter.
Our behaviors are not random.
They are learned, shaped, and reinforced through our experiences.
To change them, we don’t need more grit, we need more gentleness.
More insight.
More curiosity.
Because the question isn’t, “Why can’t I change?”
It’s, “What am I still protecting?”
And once we begin to answer that, the brake comes off.
And we begin to move forward, freely, for real.
Reflect Before You Go
If this resonated with you, take a quiet moment to consider:
- What might this “stuck” pattern in your life be protecting you from feeling or facing?
(Explore it with compassion, not judgment. Even frustrating behaviors often begin as survival strategies.)
- What internal belief are you still holding onto about what change “should” look like, and where did that belief come from?
(Is it yours, or something inherited from culture, family, or past experiences?)
- If you stopped blaming yourself, what would you be free to feel, explore, or begin instead?
(Let yourself imagine what a more compassionate path toward change might look like.)
Until next time
RD Bertus